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10 February 2015 @ 07:17 pm
186: Out of the Dark and Into Clearer Skies  
Interestingly enough, there are at least two separate ocassions whose monumental value I felt was worth journaling about here in my semi-neglected blog but I refused to do so anyway. Now it has officially been three months since I ever came up with a decent post consisting of actual narrative paragraphs, which was why I feel much obliged to indulge myself yet again for another self-reflection which I find rather tedious and needless at this point in my life. Since last year, I've fully devoted myself into expanding my geekeries, particularly my comic book obssession, mostly on reading and reviewing them dutifully in three separate blogspot accounts. In addition to listening to my all-time favorite Tell 'Em Steve Dave podcast, I'm also getting into No Sleep and Knifepoint Horror which aim to scare the bejesus out of me with their tales of the paranormal and the intensely creepy. I've also been actively shipping Charles/Erik of X-Men (especially the McAvoy-Fassbender portrayal) so I'm both reading/writing fanfics about them.

That's basically the ultimate summary of my life post-college and as defined by the endless bliss of free time I'm allotted between work hours here at my mother's tutorial center. I'm either writing comic book reviews and fanfiction, reading tons and tons of books, listening to podcasts or watching my 20+ something shows. If you look at the last five or so entries in my blog, I pretty much report the same thing over and over like a goddamn broken vinyl record that has been scratched and screeching badly. One thing I haven't mentioned is that I have a new phone that's thankfully a touchscreen now as well as a freebie tablet to go with it which I use to read soft copies of my comics. As far as material things and comforts are concerned, I'm in a good place. My social life is consistently devoted to my family and my six awesome female companions, and I worry less about the future now because I have more certainties than ever especially when it comes to the directions I'm headed. At present, I'm committed to saving up so I can go back to school and take up a Literature course which has always been my calling and desired vocation in the long-term. In the meantime, I'm paying my bills (insurance, cellphone plan, the occassional grocery and electric bill contribution) and enjoying the company of aforementioned friends who I always schedule activities and dinner dates with (mostly consisted of watching stuff and, quite recently, recording our own horror podcast). MY LIFE HAS BEEN STEADY, PROGRESSIVE AND BENEFICIAL. My responsibilities are specific to my own needs only, and are family-centered, and I have an abundance of secure friendships to treasure. It could be better, I'm sure, but I am not complaining at all. I'm single, independent and geeky. I feel blessed because I control my own destiny, now more than ever, and I have the best support system in the world.

And that is why my eljay has been very quiet. I don't really feel like relaying every incorrigible detail of my activities here because that's what twitter and tumblr are for which are straightforward mediums for brief updates and fandom posts respectively. But why did I decide to blog again? Well, for posterity's sake, if nothing else. Livejournal has been my home since 2006 and this blog in particular has been around since 2010 where it contained all the stories about my college tales and struggles. I couldn't just abandon it for good. I look forward to the year I can pick this up and start writing about the time I'm going to school again (by the time I hit 26, hopefully). There is still so much to share and bequeathe here so let me start that by saying that in October last year, my estranged best friend Rhodora and I reconnected. She came by the tutorial center to impart the good news that she has finally broken up with her abusive baby-daddy. Two days later, we were hanging out and then some of our high school friends met up with us at her place and we got to spend a lovely four-hour spontaneous session with the eight of them, just to catch up. However, during that time, the said asshole baby-daddy came along and he apparently reconciled with Rhodora. A week later she is cancelling plans on me YET AGAIN.

And this doesn't surprise me anymore. I am honestly tired of the pattern and I have learned to let her go just a bit more because I can now recognize that we are not the same people we were a decade ago AND IT'S OKAY. I don't want to expect or hope for anything on her end because she has been nothing but a disappointment. The sad thing about it is that I'm not even angry. Just dismissive. Just eager to move forward even if it meant walking away from the beautiful things I thought we once were when it was just me and her against the world. I may be young at heart but I have grown up a lot and she wasn't there for me and I wasn't there for her during the hardest times of our own respective lives. I still love her and I may miss her but I don't have to have her in my life and I'm sure she has felt the same thing, much longer than either of us ever managed to admit it to each other. I hope she's happy. I know I can't make her own decisions for her and I'm tired of feeling guilty over the many ways I could have helped. I can't fix her. I have no right to and I shouldn't impose than on myself or to the friends I have in my life right now. I know I'll see Rhodora again but this time I will stop being so hang up on the past we have and focus on the possibilities and new memories she and I can create.

Speaking of other losses: My ex-girlfriend Lei who I reconnected with earlier last year FINALLY CUT ME OFF. We only managed to see each other twice in person and as friends at that, but then she decided she doesn't want me in her life anymore. Again, it must have hurt me but it's only the natural progression of things. She had been a large part of my past, the very first romantic relationship I had which I actually felt meant something more, in spite of being long-distant. I met her online here in eljay almost eight years ago and she had been one of the most insightful and compassionate people I have ever had the pleasure and misery of knowing. But she's growing up and chose to OUTGROW ME in the process and I just need to live with that. I also mentioned a man three years younger than me whom I started dating two years ago but only for a month because he had to leave the country for good. We had a past in high school and for the second time around, it was yet another missed shot at something special. He will never come back. He has a new girlfriend whom his family approves of, and I don't miss him that much anymore. His birthday is next week and I don't even feel like celebrating it. Just like with Rhodora and Lei, whatever pain and longing I have felt when they refused to stay and let me be a part of their lives have diminished, thanks to the healing factor of time. The bruises they inflicted when they set me aside have healed and hardly became scars. Losing them meant gaining something better, I think, whether it's new people I'm surrounded with, or this stronger version of myself that's more resilient to spiritual defeat and can actually appreciate the simpler things life has to offer.

I THINK THIS IS THE HAPPIEST I HAD EVER BEEN, if not the most content. Everything is predictable but invigorating when there are surprises in between, and I'm a lot more focused in accomplishing the goals I want. My mid-twenties are approaching and I can't wait to experience them. Despite losing three of the most important people from my past, I THINK IN THE END I'VE ACTUALLY WON.
Feeling: gratefulgrateful
Listening to: "Only You" by Ellie Goulding