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12 February 2015 @ 03:13 pm
187: We learned the truth at seventeen...  
My geekmate and queen, Elena "Ehver" Espejo came to my house around the 24th of January, a day before my father's birthday, so we can re-watch the entire season of Doctor Who series 8 with Peter Capaldi as the new Doctor and Jenna Coleman as the companion Clara Oswald. We both asserted that it's our favorite (if not the best) Moffat season yet, hence the need to watch again the episodes (granted, we had to skip the first two because we have to budget our time since she can't stay overnight). The hours went by blissfully, perfectly wrapped up by the one-hour Christmas special which made us righteously tear up midway through and during the ending scenes of said special. Afterwards, we ate dinner and talked about our plans for our upcoming third 'geeksary' on March. The schedule I wanted to push through was a three-day and two-night shebang. I want to extend the geeksary until April 2nd because that's also Michael Fassbender's birthday and Ehver and I share a passionate love for that fine specimen of an actor who gets us right in the ovaries. We intend to watch four of his films on the first night until wee hours, and then probably do other things in the mornings--though neither of us is sure yet.

In any case, the most important goal is to spend a lot of quality time together not by just watching Fassy movies, but also for us to engage in yet another series of conversations regarding the most intimate details of our darkness and insecurities. I think it's worth noting that the second thing Ehver and I can explicitly bond over is our inhibitions and reservations when it comes to sexual intimacy because of the issues we have about our physical flaws. I'm overweight (I weigh at least 200-something pounds for my small stature of five feet) while Ehver has psoriasis which is a condition where she gets itchy and dry patches on her skin. Understandably, we get anxious about our physical desirability when it comes to potential romantic interests/partners. Growing up, both of us have learned to compensate through other qualities such as our wit and humor. We both know that we are susbtantial women who are individualistic and confident about our intellectual aptitude; but we also acknowledge that our "package" is not something readily pleasing, aesthetic-wise. As a bisexual woman, I suppose I don't have a problem when I engage sexually with other girls because I'm comfortable about my body when I'm with them only because I know they wouldn't judge how it looks like. Since Ehver is straight, the challenge is more grueling for her, and it's something I can completely relate to because I also still want to be intimate with a man someday. In general, men are visual creatures. I'm aware there are a few exceptions but in a generalized standpoint, men have to be physically attracted to you first before they even bother trying to get to know you better. They say there are two kinds of attraction; primary and secondary. With primary, it's all about the physical while the latter is beyond that such as emotional and intellectual attraction. Women are capable of going straight for the latter while men can't. It's just how it works and Ehver and I are very aware of that fact because we have gone through several rejections over the years.

We both feel inadequate about our desirability factor because any man might look at us and think we are--well, 'grotesque' because of my weight and her skin condition. Isn't "clear and smooth skin" and "slender" the current standards of beauty these days? In spite of the fact that our insecurities about this pretty much travel on the same wavelength, our experiences differ. Ehver is a virgin but does acknowledge that she wants to explore her sexuality some more but often gets anxious about the small nuances that would entail and ask of her. She's not exactly a forthcoming individual about her emotional needs, let alone the sexual kind. On the other hand, I have slept with both men and women but I will admit that peeling off my clothes in front of a man is distressing, which was why I would rather stay under covers or have sex in the dark so he won't have to look at the expanse of my wide hips, bulging stomach, and slightly sagging breasts with large nipples. I can only imagine the ache it must be for Ehver wondering if any man would want to run his fingers across her body when her skin has dry patches because of psoriasis. She has started getting laser treatment for her condition since last year and her skin has improved by now but it also made her realize that she's still not prepared to share her body.

I don't think it has anything to do with her religion (she's not a stickler for that even if her mother is). I don't think she even cares about being in love during her first time so she can have sex with a man. I think her reluctance stems from her inability to feel like she can sustain a connection (albeit physical) long enough with another person without overthinking or second-guessing herself in the process. Ehver tends to be uncomfortable about herself and, even though she is very certain of what she doesn't want, she has no goddamn idea what she does want. That's her thing. It has made her an endearing goofball to me and our other close friends...but that same quality may not be appreciated by a man who wishes to pursue her and be intimate with her. One of the things I always pray for (in those rare occasions I actually pray for something) is for Ehver to open up and share herself with a man who is worth the trouble. I believe compromises must only be done when the person you are comprimising with deserves that. It's ALL or NOTHING for women like me and Ehver.

When it comes to a healthy, engaging and supportive relationship, we don't settle for a piss-poor version bred out of convenience and a lack of options. We want love and sex, passion and humor, acceptance and challenge from our romantic partners. But above all else, we want them to look at us each time we take off our clothes in front of them, with our imperfect features exposed, and STILL WANT US whether to tenderly touch, hold close or make love to regardless of whatever shape or form our bodies are.

I'm happy Ehver is getting the treatment for her condition. I have great hopes she will feel better about herself because objectively speaking I think her body is marvelous! She has nice curves and can fit into a tight blouse in such a heavenly and sinful way that makes me hate her a little (HAHA). As for me, I don't want to lose weight. I purposely will always try to make myself look unattractive and inaccessible because I will never stop trying to test people and their perception of me. Looks are deceiving and I tend to make use of that deception fairly well. I think it started when I was fifteen years old and I met a boy three years my senior during a party at my best friend's place. We started making out and it was such an intense and hot session. A few weeks later, one of my male friends talked to that guy just to get a read of him. As my friend subtly shifts the conversation about his opinion concerning me, the guy says that he thinks I'm pretty fun to hang out with; that I'm interesting and mature and very present during the time we spent together. And yes, there is a BUT to those compliments. He adds dismissively (as related by my friend): "Too bad she's kindda fat." (Kaso lang mataba siya).

It made me go numb inside for a long time, and it stayed with me almost ten years later. For the record, I was actually a hundred pounds lighter when I was fifteen than I am now and I was still casually dismissed with the "FAT" label just because I wasn't stick-thin like most of my classmates were. Instead of obssessing about my weight and getting crazy about exercise and diet, I opted to go the other way and got fatter (mostly because food is awesome) but also because I would like it to be a testament that goes, "Hey, assholes, I know I look like a fat slob but I actually have a magnetic personality and an interesting view of things. I have opinions that matter and I'm proud of my small accomplishments in life as well as the hobbies I'm very devoted to. If none of you can look past my obese body and find me worth getting to know and eventually have emotional and sexual relations with, then kindly fuck off."
Feeling: irritatedirritated
Listening to: "Pumpin' Blood" by Lea Michele, Amber Riley, and Naya Rivera