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13 April 2015 @ 08:29 pm
189: Strong 'til you break  
Maybe the reason why I don't want to open up and be vulnerable completely to someone is because I feel like the person might just abandon me after all, or feel like they have to take care of me now like I'm some weakling. Maybe I'm so used to the suffering and repression and the hiding that any glimmer of possibility that anyone could love me is a force that I'm so unused to that I try to sabotage it. Because if the person loves me then they're going to have to accept FRANCIS XAVIER as my baggage. And what if they can't? What if they don't love me enough to extend themselves like that? So it's better not to hope for love. Just thrive on the dysfunction and make the most of it. As far as excuses go, the existence of Francis in my future means he is the reason I can never get married and have kids. Good thing I don't want those. Or maybe I just conditioned myself not to want those things because I can't have them. Maybe I am using him as a worn-out excuse to justify ALL THE CHOICES I MADE AND DID NOT MAKE FOR HIS SAKE. But it looks like it's true. I thought I created this false notion that I have to sacrifice certain things for Francis' sake but it is true after all. My life. His life. Our life together. Once my parents die, I'm all he's got. There's no escape. LOVE CAN BE A PRISON TOO.
Feeling: rejectedrejected
Listening to: "Blood in my Name"