The more time I spend away from people outside my family, the less I feel the need for validation over the things I enjoy doing and liking. I no longer feel as if I have to share every single thing because it occurred to me that even people I consider friends won't really match the extent or the passion of my feelings and it would only frustrate me when I find their responses inadequate or each time I perceive their participation is lacking. I've learned to demand less from friends. In fact, I've learned to demand absolutely nothing anymore from them. I certainly hope that eventually they will do the same. My dread is the next time I have to see them again. I wish I don't have to because I literally have nothing to say or share that I would consider any of their business; nothing meaningful or conversational. I still like them. I still love them. But I no longer want to be around them and I can't really specify why. Just the mere thought of spending time with them stresses me out because I know it would be pointless in the end. My personal stuff now are private and they are entitled to their own privacy as well. As for my hobbies and passions, those are strictly for my enjoyment alone now. Like I said on my previous entry, I have stopped defining my relationships based on my "geekeries" and whatnot or rather I don't want any of my social relationships get in the way of my geekeries which have become more important to me. At least my geekeries fill me with joy and stimulation. They're more constant and can service me upon whim. People can't function the same way. They have their own needs and baggage and I frankly don't fucking care about anybody else's feelings and opinions even if they are my friends'. Honestly, they can all ignore me forever and don't include me in anything ever again. I think that would be better. There'll be no more pressures to comply, sympathize and reciprocate on my end and I can be left to pursue whatever I want to do in my life and my life alone. I never needed their input in the first place. Everyone, at a certain point, reaches the end of their usefulness. My circle of friends in the last six ot seven years has become suffocating, even bland and annoying and ridiculously predictable. I'm sure this makes me a terribly self-centered and callous person for talking about them this way especially after all that we have been through and how much we have grown and all those feel-good bullshit mumbo-jumbo load of poppycock. Truth is, every friendship I ever had does reach an expiration. Mine with Rhodora came to that inevitable end and I only chose to suffer the agonizing process of denial and rebound. Love fades. It simmers down and dissipates to thin air. Now I want to fill the rest of my life with relationships like these: flimsy and casual bonds with familiar strangers and less intimate ties. It's more manageable. It makes me less angry. And I don't have to pretend I need to be interesting to these fuckers all the time just to sustain a connection. I think my friends are also better off without my constant jabbering presence, bothering them with my books and shows and fandoms as if I need to always be entitled to their time and appreciation. It makes me feel crappy once I do get the sense they'd rather do something else, or at least spend time doing the same thing with someone else instead. Besides, I'm such an awful and dishonest sociopathic scum. I really am. This is no self-pitying remark to be taken lightly. It's probably the only genuine thing I ever claimed to be over the years they think they've known me. Seriously, almost everything I told them is composed of well-crafted tales, fabrications and crooked truths that deserve a memoir of their own. I'm a storyteller. The greatest fiction I have ever created is the person they've been friends with for years. She has been nothing more but an enticing story but she is nonetheless a fake. I make it look good though. I know how to blend the real things and the lies so effortlessly tangled among each other that it would take some sort of high-level technology to separate them into clusters. The bottom line is that I am exhausted of playing the part. The mask and the costume had to be thrown away again and perhaps I might even take a sabbatical from my compulsive verbal deceptions and get away from people and new acquaintances in general. I'm just so tired of the same charade, the very same which earned me love and trust from unsuspecting friends who thought I have always been authentic. I'm fucking not. I'm a lying liar and people can only love something they understand and I am beyond comprehension, hell, even forgiveness. So this is really the best option left. I need to stay away from my friends and if they do know what's good for them, my friends will stay away from me.
Listening to: Moanin'